Blethers and blahs

Random ramblings from a chaotic life

Frustration!

on July 14, 2007

Grrrr!!!! All I want is a few hours to myself to play with paper.  I am not expecting miracles but I need the stress relief that scrapping gives me, especially now when my stress levels are escalating!

Thursday was going to be my day, or so I thought.  First of all was the phone call from my daughter, Michelle.  When I hear the words "mum, I've got something to tell you …."  my heart sinks, because it's usually a disaster of some kind that only I, cunningly disguised as supermum, can sort out, or at least in the minds of my children it is.  This time, however was different and I am absolutely thrilled for both of them (see previous post).

This is my chance, I thought, a perfect excuse, I will make them a card.  Now, those who know me know I rarely make cards, I just can't get to grips with spending all that time making something fab and then giving it away.  Somehow spending days making mini albums to give away seems different, lol.  So there I sat happily faffing with paper when ….. everything suddenly became sticky!  I had only managed to cut my finger and was bleeding over everything.  The cut is tiny but it's on the tip of my index finger and pops open to shed more blood if I so much as breath on it.  I am seriously allergic to plasters, they bring me out in a horrible, itchy rash that lasts for days, so I had no option but to abandon my plans and do something else.

Yesterday I spent most of the day sorting things out for Gordon's mum.  Alma has gone from being a very capable and organised woman who, in her time has moved from Africa to the UK twice now, the most recent about 7 years ago.  Up till two months ago she was heavily involved in the work of the housing association that she rents from, the committee in the sheltered housing complex where she lives and the life of anybody who didn't get out of the way fast enough!  Suddenly now she is a widow she is incapable of writing a letter or making a phone call!!!!!  Yes, I know she is still grieving, I know she is probably lonely and bored BUT I am not going to fill the gaps, nor will I let Gordon.

For many years before my mum died she was the same, she had isolated herself so much that myself and my brother where all the life she had.  It was sheer, unadulterated hell!  We had no life except to look after and support her as best we could.  She was my mother, I loved her very much, but boy did I spent many an hour resenting her.  When she died I grieved, for a long, long time.  For the first time in a long time I had time on my hands to do do things I wanted to do but I didn't know what I wanted to do, because it had been so long(if that makes any sense at all?).  I am not going to go back to being in that situation again.  I can now fill my time twice over and still have things I want to do.

Tonight we are going to the cinema, Gordon and I and his mum.  We have come close to having a arguement over this and that annoys me.  I know I sound selfish and unreasonable but I will not give in on this.  I am happy to visit and to take her out but I can not, and will not, be a substitute for her lack of hobbies and interests.  I cannot fill the void in the level of attention she gets because she is no longer the spouse of a dying man, but simply a widow, like many others.  So pease tell me, why do I feel so crap?  Why do I feel like the bad guy, the spoilt child, the party pooper? Grrrrrr!!!!!  Any/all advice gratefully received.

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