Blethers and blahs

Random ramblings from a chaotic life

Flat!

on March 18, 2007

What a difference a day makes.  Yesterday I was happy and excited at the thought of having everyone together, I hoped to get some great pics and to have one of those happy, noisy family days we seem to manage so seldom these days.  Unfortunately things didn't go to plan and I came home feeling flat and today I still feel flat as in a wanting to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there till I feel better, kind of way. 

And the reason for this?  My oldest son.  Or perhaps it's me and my expectations that are the problem. I don't think I am an unreasonable parent, I expect my children to be kind to those they care about, to be respectful of others, to stand on their own two feet and to be all they can be.  Somehow this message has never quite got through to my oldest.  I have had many years of stress, anger, pain and disappointment with him but he remains oblivious.  I know it's not the way he was brought up because neither his brother or his sister behave as he does but somehow he thinks  they behave they way they do to make me happy, not because it's how they are.

"What did he do?" I hear you ask.  I have often come close to sharing the difficulties of the past few years but I have always pulled away at the last minute because it was too difficult, too raw, too much.  There are not the words to describe some of the incidents that have happened or the emotions I and my other children have felt.  Nothing he has done has been illegal, just unbelievably naive and stupid, dangerously so at times.  He is a reasonably intelligent man but he has little concept of tomorrow – he lives purely for today and to hang with any possible consequences.  He does not think of others or the effect his actions may have, when we react he thinks we have overreacted, he expects us to be numb and blind and without a care, he expects us to be like him and I cannot do it. 

He had a relationship with a girl who came from a seriously disturbed family and who is also emotionally disturbed.  this relationship has cost him his home, his job, all his possessions except what he was wearing at the time on two separate occasions and almost his life on 2 others.  It drove me and my other 2 children from our home, I had to put the house up for sale to stop the constant harrassment from this girl.  He eventually made the break from her and had just about started the long haul back emotionally.  I was ever hopeful things would work out for him, he had even considered counselling in an effort to deal with the demons.

Yesterday I walked into his temporary flat (he is still homeless) and there she sat. 

I was speechless and angry and oh so disappointed, but nothing I could say would change anything.  I left.  He said he would come and see me today to explain, I told him I would be too busy.  I can't deal with it, with her and the impact she has on him.  The worst thing is that I can't share this with Gordon because he will be, justifiably, angry and I am too fragile to deal with his emotions too.  So I am sharing this here in the hope that some of the pain will go, some of the hurt will dissapate and some of the flatness will leave.  Fingers crossed.

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